Actions speak louder than words.
I have been thinking about a friend who recently made a decision to leave a man- a man generally considered to be a 'good man'- because his actions were somehow bizarrely not aligned with his words. I love you! I would do anything for you! You are the only woman for me!...and so on and so forth...yet, he, also, felt that calling her once day to check on how she was doing was too much to ask, he was too busy with work and life, after all!- how could she not understand that??...
Anyhow, I have had my fair share of experiences with men such as this one- men who have been convinced that all we women want is to be 'told things'-that, that is the best way to placate us. Well, here's the thing, over the years, I have come to learn that men are innately choleric- a temperament whose principle feature is working at things/ getting things done. Thus, what a man does is way more important than what he says. In fact, the man considered most noble by all and sundry is the man who does exactly as he says- a man of his word.
There is this particular man I dated once who was the sweetest talker you could ever meet. Yes, no doubt, his sweet talking appealed to some part of me; otherwise the relationship would never have lasted more than a week, but it was not sustainable. When my good sense eventually kicked in, thank Heavens, there were no two ways about it, the relationship had to end.
When it comes right down to it, the man who treats you poorly but says nice things is simply not a good man. Words may mean alot but they must be propped by solid action otherwise they come up empty leaving in their wake, hurt people and bad reputations.
Who should pay the bill on a date?
This is an issue that has long solicited heated debate. No less considering the day in which we live-the day of the emancipated, financially independent woman. So, I must acknowledge, there is a part of my brain, perhaps in keeping with my upbringing, that believes that the man must always pay the bill on a date. However, the more 21st century part of me asserts that it depends on the circumstances.
Here's what I mean. If it is date number one, most likely, the man is the one who asked for it to happen, so, he, really ought to pick the tab. Now, after the first date, a couple of scenarios may exist. She may learn that he earns less than she does and decide to herself that it is okay to pick the tab a couple of times, especially if she is the one who has suggested the rendezvous, or, she may learn that he is a man with means and decide that he will pick up the check forever or she may very well be a 'Dutch mutant' :-) and no matter the man's financial standing, prefer to always split the bill.
I, for one, have come to realize that money does matters. How it is handled affects a relationship fundamentally and there's no better phrase I have heard regarding this issue than, love, alone, will not put food on the table... I am, therefore, not going to accept a man's 'ever-after' proposal if he is broke and clearly has no prospect of getting out of this state, whether as a result of his laziness or what seems like his plain bad luck. Nevertheless, quite the other side of the coin-ish, I believe that the 'power' in any relationship must always be kept balanced. Thus, I think that if a man and woman commit to be together, and they both make a living, then, they should be both interested in making the relationship work and this includes being willing to share the 'financial burden' that comes with relating/ courting. There is nothing for nothing this side of heaven, so you don't want to find yourself being obliged to do a, b or c (which you may not be game for) just because your partner picks all the bills, all the time. Of course, once the same man and woman take it to the level of marriage, it's a whole other ball game and I have my thoughts on this...but that is a discussion for another day.
I discover that couples who are relating do not talk about money matters. It's like a frigging taboo! It is pre- AIDS teenage sex education all over again. And it baffles me. I mean, why? Two consenting adults- hoping to get married?!- really? It is true, I haven't always been forward with guys about money choosing instead to just 'beef' with the 'financially unworthy' boyfriend- but, I know now, that this kind of behaviour is counter-productive so am all for communication/ openess.
Anyhow, I have had my fair share of experiences with men such as this one- men who have been convinced that all we women want is to be 'told things'-that, that is the best way to placate us. Well, here's the thing, over the years, I have come to learn that men are innately choleric- a temperament whose principle feature is working at things/ getting things done. Thus, what a man does is way more important than what he says. In fact, the man considered most noble by all and sundry is the man who does exactly as he says- a man of his word.
There is this particular man I dated once who was the sweetest talker you could ever meet. Yes, no doubt, his sweet talking appealed to some part of me; otherwise the relationship would never have lasted more than a week, but it was not sustainable. When my good sense eventually kicked in, thank Heavens, there were no two ways about it, the relationship had to end.
When it comes right down to it, the man who treats you poorly but says nice things is simply not a good man. Words may mean alot but they must be propped by solid action otherwise they come up empty leaving in their wake, hurt people and bad reputations.
Who should pay the bill on a date?
Here's what I mean. If it is date number one, most likely, the man is the one who asked for it to happen, so, he, really ought to pick the tab. Now, after the first date, a couple of scenarios may exist. She may learn that he earns less than she does and decide to herself that it is okay to pick the tab a couple of times, especially if she is the one who has suggested the rendezvous, or, she may learn that he is a man with means and decide that he will pick up the check forever or she may very well be a 'Dutch mutant' :-) and no matter the man's financial standing, prefer to always split the bill.
I, for one, have come to realize that money does matters. How it is handled affects a relationship fundamentally and there's no better phrase I have heard regarding this issue than, love, alone, will not put food on the table... I am, therefore, not going to accept a man's 'ever-after' proposal if he is broke and clearly has no prospect of getting out of this state, whether as a result of his laziness or what seems like his plain bad luck. Nevertheless, quite the other side of the coin-ish, I believe that the 'power' in any relationship must always be kept balanced. Thus, I think that if a man and woman commit to be together, and they both make a living, then, they should be both interested in making the relationship work and this includes being willing to share the 'financial burden' that comes with relating/ courting. There is nothing for nothing this side of heaven, so you don't want to find yourself being obliged to do a, b or c (which you may not be game for) just because your partner picks all the bills, all the time. Of course, once the same man and woman take it to the level of marriage, it's a whole other ball game and I have my thoughts on this...but that is a discussion for another day.
I discover that couples who are relating do not talk about money matters. It's like a frigging taboo! It is pre- AIDS teenage sex education all over again. And it baffles me. I mean, why? Two consenting adults- hoping to get married?!- really? It is true, I haven't always been forward with guys about money choosing instead to just 'beef' with the 'financially unworthy' boyfriend- but, I know now, that this kind of behaviour is counter-productive so am all for communication/ openess.
Is the money discussion with your partner taboo for you? It shouldn't be. You need to commit to working towards it not being. After all, money makes the world go round, right?
Great piece Lynn. :)
ReplyDeletethats was really a nice one kyana....esp when it comes to couples talking about finances; ts always "a no- discuss" topic to many!!!
ReplyDelete"When it comes right down to it, the man who treats you poorly but says nice things is simply not a good man. Words may mean alot but they must be propped by solid action otherwise they come up empty leaving in their wake, hurt people and bad reputations."
ReplyDeleteYou're sooo right Kyana!! Soooooooo right!!!!