Dear Sir,
You don’t know me, so, maybe that is why you treat me like I am a child, like my brain is soft, like ‘what does she know’… You, clearly, do not know me.
Perhaps it is that you have dealt with fickle, weak women for so long that your default settings are such that you relate with me like I am ‘just a woman’… Perhaps it is because you do not actually love me so you are not committed to understanding my psyche…Perhaps it is simply that you are bad mannered and have no notion of how to treat people right…Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.
It’s funny. With the others, I was unhappy that we never seemed to talk about things of ‘substance’ and I was compelled to be content with happy-go-lucky subjects. With you, I am unhappy because even when I seem to be given ‘liberty’ to talk about anything, my opinions are received with such- what is the word?- dismissal? disdain?- that as a result I am no longer too enthusiastic to really express myself the next time.
“We have to first talk about such things, Lynn”- “I am busy with other (more important) things, Lynn”- “My life does not revolve around coffee dates and movies, Lynn. I have a child, I have responsibilities, you must understand”… and immediately I feel like I am seven years old and I am the reincarnation of foolishness.
You are beginning to make me believe, also, that in as far as male blueprint goes, men, do not really like a woman who has a mind of her own. They give you the impression that they do and being born in the 1980s and onwards, at the height of the women empowerment movement, you foolishly believe them; yet in actual fact they would rather you are seen more than you are heard.
I think, maybe, that they do not mind you having a mind of your own as long as you do not air its contents out, you do not take the initiative to speak, and you speak only when spoken to.
All this, Sir, brings to mind a piece of writing I read which communicates a chunk of what I feel;
Let not the phrase “emancipated woman” confuse you. I am a WOMAN first and EMANCIPATED second.
I do need you, far more than you know, far more than I let on.
I am not trying to assume autonomy. I am not fighting for complete independence. I am fighting for co-dependence.
My mind might feign strength but my heart remains weak. Do not rob me of my woman-hood nor the benefits attached to that entity. At the end of the day, someone has to wear the trousers. Do not let it be me…I cannot do it. I will not do it.
Please allow me to be a woman.
*Phumla Nabachwa-2011
It has become clear to me that I have two options; I either walk away from you or I constantly make a Note to self: To keep peace, mention nothing that matters or rankles.
I choose to walk away. Life is hard enough without adding to it a partner seemingly intent on pulling me down as opposed to building me up.
Have a nice life.
Kyampaire.
He, God, lets us go through all these destructive relationships so that when the One He has set aside to love us the way He would have us be loved comes along, we'll be able to spot Him from a mile away, given the trauma and heart ache we've been through in relationships passed.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up Honey.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Signed,
Walkonby.
and she picked the unspoken words from my brain. I totally relate to this. especially the bit about being given the impression that i can speak my mind yet when I do I am treated like a child!
ReplyDeleteTears in my eyes, baby girl..but tears of joy! Happy that you are able to kill the cancer before it spreads.
ReplyDeleteI like this..am a woman first and then emancipated second...I only wish he new the line between co-dependence and independence!!
ReplyDeleteAkurut