I remember how incensing it was whenever John Doe told me he had no expectations of me and I, therefore, should not have any of him.
'Why can't you just go with the flow, Lynn!' he would cry. 'Why must you complicate things?!'...and consequently, I would walk away from such conversations feeling like the wicked witch of the west- the one who always screws things up.
Contractual terms can be considered expectations, right?
Par example;
I hand over x million shillings, you hand over your car's keys...
You pay y amount of shillings as rent, I let you live in my house,
You pay me US $ z, I write a proposal for your organization...et cetera, et cetera...
So, how, then, is it that when it comes to romantic relationships, people want to avoid the conversation about expectations like the plague?!
I have come a long way where this issue of expectations is concerned. I am no longer apologetic for having expectations and I am learning the difference between good intentioned compromise and selling myself short.
So, my expectations of Mr. Man can be summed up in the (in)famous three Ps (a la Steve Harvey).
 |
| Not very funny in real life, is it? :( |
I expect the man in my life to provide for me. Forget the arguments about economic structures and women emancipation- 'oh, the women these days make more money than us!'- 'oh, we thought you want to be independent!'...You remember the post Eden command to the man? yeah, something about tilling the land to get food for yourself and wife and brood?...well...
I expect the man in my life to profess his love for me- to by words and actions, single me out as the one he has chosen among all women.
I imagine Mr. Man will expect me to; care for him (whether that means make sure he has food, his clothes are wearable, the house is clean), nurture our children, respect him/his leadership, make an effort to remain attractive, et cetera, et cetera-but, I am not a man, so, I am only making assumptions :)...
By and large, the thing is, keeping the communication lines open cannot be over emphasized because, right from the beginning, expectations need to be clearly spelt out and also, as time goes by, they do evolve/ change and these changes need to be made known.
What I cannot accept/ believe is that two people can commit to a relationship and have no expectations whatsoever of each other! That's a complete fallacy.
So, what are your general expectations of your significant other? Do they know?
Looking back, one could think we were entering a business partnership and not a relationship leading to marriage. We both had a list of non-negotiables that each person had to bring to table, and other stuff that was desirable but not a deal-breaker. Our non-negotiables included dual careers, spiritual values and co-parenting. Desirable was kids (from zero to two max), we settled for one :) beyond this, I had my chic-check list: physical appearance, I cant even start listing the many things lest you think me vainer than vain, but hey, I wasnt about to mess-up what my mama gave me ;). I wanted to maintain my freedom(or semblances of it), I always travel light i.e without man and child in tow, I have a right to miscellaneous expenditures (albeit to a certain amount). These expectations, plans, goals, dreams etc are talked about regularly. We are lagging behind on our grand life plan, but still moving along in the same direction. Does having all these nitty gritty details taken care of make a relationship let alone marriage any easier, no by all means. But, I got what I wanted and needed and work to keep it that way!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous- altho I wish I had, even, a pseudonym by which to address you :)...anyway, I agree, there is no magic wand when it comes to relationships...a couple could make plans, be clear about expectations and what not and still not remain married or be happy in the marriage. Yet, I firmly believe it is always better to err on the side of more communication/ clarity than less...
DeleteI can not say the ayes loud enough.
ReplyDeleteI just made a 'things to talk about list'. Very very helpful!
From my experience two things are key. That our expectations are based on the important things and not the frivolous;number of phone calls per day, does he send flowers etc which vary depending on the man. Second, that we do not present our expectations as demands "Do this and this or else!" Yes discuss some important ones upfront but let some sort of unfold. Your expectations of each other evolve and grow along with your relationship. You can't expect from a boyfriend of one month what you would expect from a husband of 5 years. My boyfriend used to HATE it when i listed my expectations and to make it worse i usually did this when he WASN'T meeting them. His reaction was to "rebel" just to show me he didn't have to "do as he was told". I eased off him and its been beautiful to see him figure out some of my needs on his own, and WANT to meet and even exceed my expectations. He made me realize, he too is just figuring this whole thing out, understanding how having me in his life changes things and what is expected of him as his role grows more important.
ReplyDeleteEunice, this comment is SO grown up! :)...it is true, expectations ought to be realistic lest they become redundant...and am glad your Mr. Man is growing into the role...I hope he gets rewarded for this :) (wink, wink!)
DeleteHahaha but Kyana!
Delete